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I sit here deep in thought, trying to analyze what my life once was and what I want it to be. I've come to realize that OMFG its 2007; I'm way past my teenage years, way past my twenties; basically way past my prime. I suddenly feel old.



Having children was never an issue; I've known all along that I didn't want any. That is until now. I got this maternal instinct going on; it's sickening and cute at the same time. I smile...thank God I'm a lesbian and Cole is not afraid of giving birth. I wish we were starting a family but right now is not exactly the best time to get pregnant. Other things need to happen before we make such a decision. Things like getting a bigger place and finding some financial stability … okay so they are major things but part of me is already picturing a romantic evening that includes a turkey baster. Yes, the old fashioned lesbian way of making a baby. Why not? I think it's way HOT!



(sigh)…I want a baby!

Comments

das_jojoba
Feb. 4th, 2007 11:25 am (UTC)
i vacillate between very much wanting children and being terrified of the idea. some of my friends have had kids in the past couple years, and i swear that holding small ones does odd things to you. i worry about what kind of father i would be (i'm a worrier), and have trouble thinking about the often painful lessons there are to be learned in this world. i would doubt that everyone goes through this, but i didn't want kids either until more recently. i'm getting older, and would like to be able to play with my kid(s) as they grow up. i wonder how much of it is my desire to marvel at the wonderment of watching something that is partially of me learn and grow, and how much of it is a biological desire to pass on my genes. i definitely feel a sort of maternal instinct (paternal instinct? can't explain it...) that can get to tapping me pretty forcefully on my proverbial shoulder. it's been amazing watching my friends' son grow up. i held him when he was only a day old, and he is now 15 months. it is truly awesome to watch him as he's started growing taller and becoming more expressive. there is such openness and curiosity... such wonderment. i feel like there's a lot i can learn by observing children.

there is no perfect time to have children. they are adjustments that can't fully be planned for. there is a thin distinction between pragmatism and fear. i'm still trying to discover what/where it is.

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